Beyond “I don’t trust you”: Repairing Safety and Security in Relationships

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships..” – Stephen R. Covey

“I will never trust anyone again.”

How often have we said that to ourselves because we have been betrayed or hurt by a relationship? We are so quick to judge. We adopt a defensive, self-protective stance to ensure we aren’t hurt again. We can likely find the origins of this reaction in our childhoods when we were much more vulnerable and powerless to change our circumstances effectively.  

Someone recently told me, “I don’t trust you.”   It came from someone I had known for several years. I was surprised and at a loss for words because I felt the relationship was solid. It was painful to hear, and I wasn’t sure what to do with the information. However, I knew the statement ended any safety and security on both sides of the relationship equation.   

The conversation started a deep dive for me.  Am I not trustworthy?  Do I not engender trust in my relationships? What behaviors do I have that damage trust in my relationships?  Is there something I’m not aware of?   I wanted to learn more.  What is trust?   What are the elements of trust that we intuitively feel in a relationship? 

Definition of Trust

Trust is the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.    Because we trust, we feel safe and secure. We say we don’t feel safe in a relationship when we don’t trust. 

Brené Brown,  best-selling author, storyteller, and researcher in vulnerability and shame, makes a beautiful analogy that trust is like a marble jar.  Trust is built over time like filling up marbles in a jar. It can be diminished through slights, hurts, and misunderstandings.  The filing and emptying image of the marble jar suggests that trust can be repaired and rebuilt with time and dedication.  

Elements of Trust

Whether we are aware of it or not, we all have an internal barometer of trust that acts like a checklist for our relationships.  Surprisingly, the behaviors that engender trust are not grand. Trust is built in small moments and gestures.  Like adding marbles to the marble jar, our experience of safety grows in these moments. 

In his book “The Thin Book of Trust”, Charles Feltman outlines the four elements of trust that create the foundation for trust in any relationship:  1) sincerity/integrity, 2) reliability, 3)competence, and 4)care. 

Sincerity / Integrity  

Sincerity and integrity are created by being truthful and authentic.  Can I trust people to say what they mean and mean what they say?  Is what they say believable?  There is someone in my life who says one thing and then says, “I mean to say” and then says something different.  He is not sincere in his communications and is not believable. At some level, he is out of integrity; that is, somehow he is internally divided.  Our integrity is a measure of the degree to we are internally congruent. When we are internally congruent, our actions are aligned with our words. We can be believed to tell the truth as we see it.  

Reliability 

Are we reliable enough to meet our commitments and keep our promises? This element is also connected to integrity. Can we be counted on to do what we say we will do?  I believe reliability is also about communicating when we know is not possible. Then reliability extends to being counted on to be in communication.   

Competence 

Competence is especially important in a professional context. Do we believe that people have the ability, capacity, and knowledge to do what they say they are going to do?  

Care

Care is the most important element for developing long-term trust in relationships. In this element of trust, we know that others have our best interests in mind as well as their own in making decisions and taking actions.  If people prove that they are only concerned with their self-interest, then our ability to trust them is limited.  

Christina Becker
July 2024

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