How Does Your River Flow?

“Emotional Intelligence is the difference that makes the difference” – Daniel Goldman

OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAPACITY

When our emotional river is calm, centered and peaceful, we are aware of, can control and express our emotions in a coherent way.  We are able to handle our interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. We trust. In developing this capacity, our emotions can guide our behaviour in a generative and constructive way. We can feel the direct benefit to our mental health and satisfaction with life. The studies have proven this over and over again – that our emotions are important and they are essential guides to how we live our life. 

David Richo in his book, “How To Be An Adult In Relationship”, identifies five capacities that can be barometers for our emotional intelligence: 

• ATTENTION is about being aware of another’s needs and feelings through being attuned and present to another’s words and experiences. Giving and receiving attention leads to self-respect.
• ACCEPTANCE is connected to how safe we feel in the presence of another. Are our feelings, choices and personal traits being received respectfully? Do we offer that in return to others?  
• APPRECIATION gives an added depth to acceptance and involves cultivating gratitude for kindnesses and gifts that we receive. 
• AFFECTION is the ability to be close physically through the realm of touch, and emotionally through acts of kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness. 
• ALLOWING is the capacity to let what is, be what it is. This includes letting yourself and the other person be who you are without control, rules, requirements and expectations.  

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For me, the cultivation of these five elements is akin to not only our psychological development, but also our spiritual development as well. 

EMOTIONAL REGRESSION

On the flipside of emotional intelligence and our experience of being centered, calm and peaceful, are the moments when our emotions are chaotic. We are particularly skillful in either identifying or naming what is happening.  Our passions and our ‘fight or flight’ mechanisms override the rational side of our brain. Our emotional river becomes turbulent. There are rapids. And the sludge from our forgotten childhood experiences rise up from the river bed of our psyches to the surface. When there is emotional chaos we often react out of, and return to, an earlier stage of our lives. 

We all know these moments of anger, frustration, impatience, worries, doubt, obsession and insecurity.  When these emotions are present, they block us from being totally in the present moment with the people we love and care for. To use Jungian terminology, our complexes from the past rear up their ugly head. 

We know that the fight/flight center of the brain has no language but it is very powerful. It can suddenly run away with us and we become angry, frightened, upset or frozen. Often we feel ashamed of these parts of ourselves. 

According to John Lee, most emotional regression equals regret. 

Where what we say or do, or what we don’t say or do, is contrary to what we intend. We feel badly because we have hurt. It is the place where all of our attachment hurts and wounding are launched. The signs that our intense emotional reaction – fear, rage, anger – expression of emotion is not expressed appropriately given the circumstances. Emotional regression can result in abruptly ending relationships or other actions that lack discernment. 

GOAL OF ANALYTIC WORK AND MEDITATION 

The goal and purpose of the analytic work is to work through the emotional chaos and get to a place of clarity and emotional intelligence. The benefit of this painstaking work through our complexes is to understand ourselves, our internal motivations, and how our emotions guide us.  

Meditation (over a period of time) develops the capacity to hold and to witness our emotional systems.  We can increase our capacity to fully master our emotional experiences and to present what is (and in the moment) without the nagging influences from the past that disrupt our inner peace. Meditation returns our turbulent emotional river back to a centered peace and calm flow.

Copyright Christina Becker
October 2020

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