Trust in Relationships

“Trust that which gives you meaning and accept it as your guide”  – C.G. Jung

“I will never trust anyone again.”

How often have we said that to ourselves after being betrayed or hurt in a relationship? We are so quick to judge. We adopt a defensive, self-protective stance to ensure we aren’t hurt again. We can likely find the origins of this reaction in our childhoods when we were much more vulnerable and powerless to change our circumstances effectively.

Someone once said to me, “I don’t trust you.”   It came from someone who I had known for several years. I was speechless because I felt that the relationship was solid. It was painful to hear, and I wasn’t sure what to do with the information. However, I knew that the statement “I don’t trust you” ended any safety and security on both sides of the relationship.

The conversation started a deep dive for me. Am I not trustworthy? Do I not engender trust in my relationships? What behaviours do I have that damage trust in my relationships? Is there something I am not aware of?  I wanted to learn more. What is trust?  What are the elements of trust that we intuitively feel in a relationship?

Defining Trust

Trust is the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.    Because we trust, we feel safe and secure. When we don’t trust, we say we don’t feel safe in a relationship.

Brené Brown – bestselling author, storyteller and researcher in vulnerability and shame – makes a beautiful analogy that trust is like a marble jar. Trust is built over time, like filling up marbles in a jar. It can be diminished through slights, hurts and misunderstandings. The filing and emptying image of the marble jar suggest that trust can be repaired and rebuilt with time and dedication.

Elements of trust

Whether or not we are aware of it, we have our internal barometer of trust that acts as a checklist for our relationships. Surprisingly, the behaviours that engender trust are not grand. Trust is built in small moments and gestures. Like adding marbles to the marble jar, our safety experience grows in these moments.

In his book “The Thin Book of Trust,” Charles Feltman outlines the four elements of trust which create the foundation for trust in any relationship:  sincerity, reliability, competence and care.

Sincerity / Integrity

Sincerity and integrity are created from being truthful and authentic. Can I trust people to say what they mean and mean what they say? Is what they say believable? Someone in my life says one thing, says, “I mean to say,” and then says something totally different. He is not sincere in his communications and is not believable. At some level, he is out of integrity; somehow, he is internally divided. Our integrity measures the degree to which we are internally congruent. When we are congruent, our actions are aligned with our words. We can be believed to tell the truth as we see it.

Reliability

Are we reliable to meet our commitments and keep our promises? This element is also connected to integrity. Can we be counted on to do what we say we will do? I believe that this is also about communicating when we know that what we need to do is not possible. Then reliability extends to being counted on to be in communication.

Competence

Competence is especially important in a professional context. Do we believe that people have the ability, capacity and knowledge to do what they say they will do?

Care

Care is the most important element for developing long-term trust in relationships. In this element of trust, we know that others have our interests in mind and their own in making decisions and taking action. If people prove that they are only concerned with their self-interest, our ability to trust them is limited.

Reflection

The past two years have significantly strained relationships, especially around principles. We seem to have lost sight of the foundation that makes relationships work.

Copyright Christina Becker
June 2022

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